DOMESTICATED...

I'm feeling...safely dangerous.
I'm grooving to...Kelly Clarkson - Sober.
I'm watching tonight: So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX), Top Chef 3: Miami (BRAVO), The Real World Reunited: Las Vegas (MTV).

So there's been some upheaval at work and not to bore you with the details but the basic conclusion is that the deal that was paying my salary is not being renewed so by the end of July I may not have a job. Although my bosses want to keep me in the company's many folds, nothing's certain right now. So I'm looking for employment...it's incredibly humble to have to face this prospect five years into your career, especially in light of the conversation I had with my parents about financial stability a few weeks back. That said, I do have people looking out for me and there is an opportunity I'm possibly up for but I don't want to jinx anything by giving too much away. So let's just all pray for happy things.

So in the meantime I've been preparing myself for the possible Domestication of Andrew...sounds like a book doesn't it?

I've started drinking less (in public) and started rewearing clothes I thought I'd never wear again in the interest of saving money. And part of this also means that I need to start cooking more at home...and that led me to this thought...now that my favorite noodle shop has closed down (Heavy Noodling in Monterey Park), there's nowhere for me to get some Beef Noodle Soup, so why not make it on my own?

Now I don't normally cook with more than 3 ingredients, and they're usually oil and garlic and then whatever else i want to sautee. But this particular dish involved 10 ingredients, and stewing, and straining, and multiple pots! It was quite a challenge. I also had to make Jason's favorite noodle soup, Mustard Greens Noodle Soup...so that was an extra few steps and ingredients...

So after a champagne brunch and cooking all day...this is what I ended up with...and I am must say...for my first time making both of these dishes, I am really proud of myself. Watch out, anymore of this domesticating and I'll be decoupaging...I don't even think I spelled that right...



Beef Noodle Soup...


Mustard Greens Noodle Soup...


Oh yeah, and I saw Transformers recently and sometimes there are perks to seeing things in LA...for instance, we got the actual cars used in the films sitting outside our theater. Here's Optimus Prime....


Up next, my trip to the Hairspray Premiere...

TRYING TO RELIVE SOME OF THE MAGIC...

I'm feeling...down but not out.
I'm grooving to...Lumidee feat. Tony Sunshine - She's Like The Wind.
I'm watching tonight: Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List (BRAVO), Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Inferno 3 (MTV).

Saturdays are usually my days to rest...a day where I can take in all that I've learned (read: been spat on) from the week and really just let it settle in and process...but this last Saturday, I barely had a chance to pee...and I think Dustbuni, who was visiting me, had even less time...

After a night of American Idol madness (read the last entry), Jase and I got up in the morning and immediately hit the ground running...we had a trip to Orange County, a trip to Melrose, a dinner, and a party to do, all in the span of a few hours...

As the theme for Jared's birthday party was Studio 54: Relive The Magic (a dress up party that involved people dressing up like celebrities that hung out at the original club), I knew that I'd have to work out in the morning in order to make sure that I didn't embarass myself with any potential fatty deposits on my figure...so I went to the gym as Jase did some work...

Also, amongst all this, Dustbuni was also going to fly into LA for this party...so she got in at 9:05am and ended up hanging out at The Grove and Melrose until we could do all our errands meet back up with her...

Then after I got back from the gym, Jase and I drove to Orange County to see my family out there and to also celebrate my cousin's high school graduation...we, of course, brought money.

By the time we got back to LA, it was 4:30pm and we had dinner reservations at 6:30pm to help set up the party at 8pm, which was going to start at 9pm...

We picked Dustbuni up from our place where she had been resting and then we made it back down to Melrose to put the last touches on our costumes...Jase was looking for some sort of gold band for his bowler hat (he was going to be Elton John) and I was looking for some true bellbottoms because I was going to go as a dishwasher (cos let's face it, no Asians were allowed in 54 back then unless you were Bruce Lee or a hooker)...well, my bottoms were a bust because apparently asking for vintage denim in a vintage store is laughable...Jase din't find his band, but he did find a pink belt...

After our shopping trip, we headed to the legendary yogurt joint, Pinkberry...I had never been and Dustbuni had never been, but I've been told that the first time you go, you're thoroughly unimpressed by the yogurt until 8 hours later when you suddenly start craving it like a madman...personally, i think they lace it with drugs...the FBI were involved in some investigation recently on how the ingredients in the yogurt doesn't qualify as yogurt...because it's CRACK! It's a pretty simple idea--you pick original or green tea and then you can add fruit or cereal or chocolate to the yogurt.

After a half hour wait, we ended up sharing a yogurt with mango, blackberries, and kiwi...and i will attest to this...the fruit is pretty damn addictive...fresh and cold and enlightening...but the yogurt? tasted a bit like yoplait...but i can see how it's become a hollywood staple...it's light and airy and expensive as hell...

(oh yeah, and Melody from Season 1 of SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE? was in front of us...to continue the reality trend)

Then there was dinner at Tokyo Table, this new restaurant on Restaurant Row, Beverly Hill's most expensive dining area. We had found a 50% off coupon in a magazine and had read reviews about how cheap and delicious it was. It did not disappoint. We had some of the most interesting asian fusion dishes...fresh made tofu, sushi pizza, friend chicken tenders with tartar sauce, and this absolutely addictive rice bowl that was cooked in a stone pot. Here are the happy customers now...



We made it out of there paying no more than $27. I think we're gonna go back this friday. :)

Then it was time for the party. I'll let the pictures tell the story...

The entrance...


The red carpet and doorman...you had to be on the list to get in...


Dustbuni with her "art"...


JRoddy as Andy Warhol, Jase as Elton John, Me as Dishwasher (I "cleared" at lot of drinks that night)...


The "Moon and the Spoon"...and yes, it really glowed...


The birthday cake...


I swear it's just sugar...


Mick Jagger showed up (DannyB as Mick)!


Do the hustle...


Blowing out the candles...


Blowing something...


Oh yeah...must have been a good time for JRoddy...


At some point though, after having had 10 jello shots, JRoddy kept pulling me aside to do more, and I think I faked 5 of them with him...it's surprising how easy it is to trick a drunk...much like Jase then tricked me into believing that it was best for Dustbuni to drive us home...cos it was.

Oh yeah, and the next morning, my finger was all red and stained...I had gotten the infamour jello shot finger...slightly better than gout.

IDOL-ING

I'm feeling...pushed around.
I'm grooving to...Ak'sent feat. Beenie Man - Zingy.
I'm watching tonight: Creature Comforts (CBS), Kyle XY (ABC FAMILY), Heartland (TNT).

Before I get started, I just added some pictures to the ANDREW (S) entry that I forgot to download from my phone...it happens when you go to these events and take a bunch of very pixelated cel phone shots that look like one of those MAGIC EYE 3-D posters that you forget that you spent 5 minutes trying to get one decent shot once the event is over. Check it out.

So a bunch happened this weekend, top of which was JRoddy's belated birthday party...but more on that when I get the pictures from my camera.

I had another reality parade of stars on Friday night.

Jase and I were having dinner with Kissiwitz (cos she just came back from shooting a movie in Lousiana) and her new live in boyfriend at Honey, a tiny restaurant cradled in the south corner of the Avalon, a band venue that I've seen some of my favorite shows of all time at (Erasure, Jamie Cullum). It's a pretty well established Hollywood place, and the best part is that it's about a 5 minute walk from our house.

We were there because Kissiwitz's BF is an agent that reps Dan of The Dan Band, a coverband consisting of all males that covers some of the greatest female diva hits of all time--everything from Britney Spears to Pussycat Dolls to Wilson Phillips to a rockin version of Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse Of The Heart. The genius of the show is that never did they sound girly or frilly...it helped that "fuckin" and "suck it" was thrown in in every other sentence...but the entire effect made for a great comedy/musical revue.

We had dinner at Honey (where I spotted Sean Hayes) and then went to Avalon to see the show at a reserved table.

After the show was over I looked over to see right next to stage was Blake Lewis from American Idol...then as I looked up, there was Chris Richardson, then next to him was Phil Stacey, then Chris Sligh's hair and then Gina Glocksen and Haley Scarnato and then Chris Sligh...




Afterwards, we all went to the VIP room backstage where Jase told Gina he was her favorite dark horse for Idol, which she was extremely flattered by and almost started crying when he told her she looked great. Apparently Lakisha didn't want to come and Melinda wasn't going to be a fan of the swearing so they stayed at home. And Jordin and Sanjaya are underaged...so really, we got the whole Idol crew up in the hizzy with us. Oh yeah, and Tiffani Thiessan and Robin Antin (of Pussycat Doll fame).

Chris Sligh eventually found Sean Hayes and pulled him into the bathroom...to get better lighting so that he could take a picture with him. No one gave him the memo that the actual star of the show, Dan of the DAN Band was actually the reason he was there. I hear someone's 15 minutes ticking away faster than normal...I think he heard it too...or us making belittling remarks about him cos he kept turning to us to stare us down. Oh well...

Gina Glocksen straddling Blake Lewis:


Anyways, sometime later as Robin Antin was about to leave (and as you remember, I saw her and her gay Mikey Minden at the airport a few weeks back), we were telling her to be weary of the doormen as they were very serious that once we left the VIP room we couldn't go back. I, for whatever reason, am not one to bother reality stars, but Jase has no such qualms. He immediately called her Robin and she almost fell over, so excited that someone recognized her, and practically fell into his lap. I forget that all reality stars just want to be noticed, no matter how obscure. So after some quick introductions and after she showed us the signature Pussycat Doll move (finger in teeth while booty tooching), she left, but not before Kissiwitz made Jase chase her down to ask her what kind of perfume she was wearing (cos it really was intoxicating). It was called Carnal Flower and you can only get it at Neiman Marcus. Now you too can smell like Robin Antin...or a carnal flower...naughty...

Then as we were about to leave, Jase and I went over to mister Blake Lewis and asked him for a favor. We asked him to sing happy birthday to our friend JRoddy as it was his bday the next day and he really really liked Blake on the show.

Blake's response said it all.

"I don't normally do this...BUT...okay..."

So after an uncomfortable amount of time when I had to dial Jase's phone and Jase for some reason wouldn't send it straight to voicemail and then his outgoing message was really long, finally I handed the phone to Blake and he sang/beatboxed Happy Birthday.

We found out as we were walking out though that as soon as he started singing he must have hit a button on my phone cos all we got was "Hey Jar--"

So Kissiwitz had another bright idea...we went back to Blake and asked him for another favor, in which he rolled his eyes and almost walked away when Kissiwitz told him we just wanted a picture...et voila...



This would be a typical friday night for me...chasing after reality stars...

WORK IT OUT

I'm feeling...bored.
I'm grooving to...Rihanna - Breakin' Dishes.
I'm watching tonight: Price Is Right (CBS).

Here's the new workout I've been doing...it's supposed to make skinny guys stronger...not bigger, but stronger...and so subsequently, my arms and chest have gotten smaller, but my legs and core are pretty dense...except for every time i break my diet and inhale a bucket of fried chicken...it's protein right?

http://bodybuilding.com/fun/vinced3.htm

And I also posted in the entry below, Jackie Warner 2's picture.

THESE THINGS HAPPEN...

I'm feeling...uncomfortably large.
I'm grooving to...Eve - Tambourine.
I'm watching tonight: Pirate Master (CBS), So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX), Starter Wife (USA).

so as mentioned in my previous post, LA Gay Pride was this last Sunday and with me starting the festivities with dinner and hanging out with a bunch of reality stars that I think I can talk to just because I see them on TV making asses of themselves, I knew the weekend was going to be something of an interesting one...

Saturday came and went for Jase and I...we got haircuts and did some shopping (partly for our friend JRoddy's birthday party this weekend and partly because shopping makes me happy)...then after taking some time in the evening to just chill out, we went to the John Mayer concert at the Hollywood Bowl which, if you haven't listened to his new album Continuum, it's one of the most beautiful and sad albums I've loved in a long time. So check it out...my favorite tracks are Heart Of Life and Slow Dancing In A Burning Room and Gravity. The funny thing about the concert was that we were sitting a few rows behind a group of girls who I think thought they were at a Metallica concert...they kept headbanging as John was crooning about running through the halls of his high school. If you've never been to the Bowl, it's a pretty great venue...great sound for such a large outdoor arena...AND you can bring drinks! But as you can't bring cans or glass in, we had to smuggle in our cans of champagne. Yup, you read that right.

We walked home after John and picked up some food before passing out around midnight. Sunday being PRIDE, resting up was high on my mind.

PRIDE started for us with brunch at O-Bar. Every year that we've gone to the parade, we've always stood outside in the heat and bickered about how it would be so nice to be inside somewhere drinking. This year, we were much smarter...we decided to get a booth somewhere on the parade route and take our time with the event. So that's what happened...we had a nice gathering of friends at O-Bar: Matahari Red, McDrinky, StevieWondrous and of course, Jase and myself and the 7 mojitos we ordered.

Not that those drinks did anything for me...I think I need to take a sabbatical from the drinking because the more I do, the harder it is to get drunk...and not that that's the best goal to have all the time, but this was going to be an afternoon of partying in the daytime...how often do you get to walk down Santa Monica Blvd with a bunch of sinners drunk? Perhaps more than I would like to admit, but still...

So after brunch we walked down to the heart of West Hollywood and took in the entire spectacle that was Pride. We ended up taking roost at The Abbey where who was there to greet us than none other than the dancers from the Andrew Christian party two nights before! Sadly the Ken Doll dancer with the hat didn't remember us...but he did remember to bend over so I could tip him...




The time at the Abbey was surprisingly a lot like the night on Friday night...reality stars abound...we saw Mary Murphy of screaming fame from SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE, we harassed Ruthie from THE REAL WORLD: HAWAII who thought it would be fun to spray water at me with her water gun whilst she molested StevieWondrous, and after totally and openly snubbing Anthony from SHEAR GENIUS, we moved on to the pinacle of my reality filled life.

At some point I turned around and pointed at a tall, fit woman with short, upsweeped blonde hair in aviator glasses and was like, "Oh My God! It's Jackie Warner!" (Who, if you remember, didn't show up to the REALITY CHECK event a few days ago)

But upon closer inspection, it wasn't her...but gosh darnnit she sure looked like Jackie.

Then a few drinks later, I turned around and pointed again, "Oh My God! It's Jackie Warner! The real one!"

And it was truly her. StevieWondrous wanted a picture with her because she, like him, is a gay Morman. McDrinky helped connect the two and then he brought out the drama.

StevieWondrous & Jackie Warner 1:


McDrinky: "Jackie, we just want you to know that Jackie Warner 2 is here."

Jackie: "What? No..."

McDrinky: "No seriously, there's someone here who looks just like you and is posing as you."

Jackie: "Impossible. There's only one Jackie." (Famous last words.)

Andrew: "There she is now! Jackie Warner 2!"

Jackie then turned around and looked where we were pointing. And I swear to you, she gasped and started immediately mumbling something to the "friend" she was with. All I could pick up was mumble mumble I KNOW HER mumble mumble mumble SHE TOTALLY DID mumble mumble mumble RESTRAINING ORDER!

Apparently Jackie Warner 2 is some sort of stalker / single white female that had caused enough damage on Jackie Warner 1 that it prompted her to leave the bar. SERIOUSLY!

So of course, we totally went up to Jackie Warner 2 later and asked her for her picture. And as StevieWondrous was smiling with Jackie Warner 2 at his side, McDrinky told her that we loved her show...and she said, "Thank you."

!!!!!

Jackie Warner 2 and StevieWondrous:


Then, of course, we saw Jackie Warner 3 later...but never approached her.

Jackie Warner 3:


Me, McDrinky, StevieWondrous, Jase:


After the Abbey, StevieWondrous left and we went to Pearl after meeting up with DannyB and his group of friends in hopes of getting some dance on, but as it was only 7pm, it was pretty dead. We did, however, see Lanced-a-lot, someone that was friends of the company I worked for until some recent events turned things a tad sour. But he had always been nice to me and I had always tried to be nice to him.

Anyways, we last saw each other in DC when were there for vacation and he was there visiting his family. We only noticed each other because I wanted to say hello to the smiling person wearing a University of Texas Longhorn cap. Turns out we knew each other. We talked awhile then and had a good time so it was nice to see him again at Pearl.

We talked some more and I don't know what happened but either he mentioned it or I did, but I got so drunk to the point that I was determined to make out with him and was pretty aggressive about the whole thing (I even asked Jase if i could and he said yes!). Although then Lanced-a-lot didn't want to do it front of my boyfriend, so he was actually being a decent guy while I was just kind of enjoying the fun of trying to get someone to kiss you (you forget how much fun it is after you've been in a relationship for 5 years). I'm not quite sure what happened after all that, I just know that I never got my make out session...I think a kiss or two there...but my lips were so numb, who could tell...

and how did I get so drunk? I blame McDrinky...he bought me my final drink, a Long Island Iced-Tea (something I was drinking all weekend), but he wouldn't let me have it until I did a tequila shot that he had bought...and somehow that logically made sense to me that I had to do the shot before I got my drink...so I did the shot (no lime, no salt) and he then gave me the Long Island as a chaser...(later we lost track of McDrinky because he was so drunk himself that he couldn't make it down the stairs to where I was talking to Lanced-a-lot...serves him right.)

That, my friends, is how you get hammered...



Got to bed that night at 9pm and slept till 6am...haven't felt as good as I had that next Monday morning. My cold was finally cleared up and I felt rested. Imagine that...alcohol is medicinal. :)

Happy Pride!

THE ANDREW(S)...

I'm feeling...like I'm floating.
I'm grooving to...Rihanna - Don't Stop The Music.
I'm watching tonight: So You Think You Can Dance? (FOX), Top Chef 3: Miami (BRAVO), The Real World Reunited: Las Vegas (MTV).

First of all I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words about my last entry re: my parents. It really means a lot to me that you have so much faith in me as a father, a person, and a friend. It's times like this that I really appreciate having a true groupf of friends that I can trust and love and have them to do the same back to me.

But in light of all this, after this last weekend, I think I might have really set my parents' agenda to make me a child rearing heterosexual back a few years...for this last weekend was LA Gay Pride and there was much to be proud of.

Matahari Red was back in town after a long month back at home in Buffalo and Friday night would be the first time we would have seen her since she left. We reinstated our tradition of Friday dinners at Shintauro Sushi where the hostess knows me only as THE Andrew and refuses to acknowledge Jase as a real person or Matahari as anyone other than the person that sits with The Andrew...after a nice meal, we headed over to a gay club in Silver Lake (home of the alt-gays) called MJ's where Andrew Christian Fashion was part of sponsoring an event called REALITY CHECK, a charity night packed with reality stars from all over..."celebrities" if you will...and since I watch so much reality TV, I will...

Here's how they got me in:

- EXCLUSIVE coverage by FOX's Reality Remix (National TV Show)

- GLBT Fashion Icon Andrew Christian Fashion show of his summer swimsuits and underwear line. Models provided by Ready Models.

- World Famous DJ Alexander to spin all night.

- Rebecca Cardon & Jackie Warner from BRAVO's Workout & Alex Ali and Lynn Warner (Amazing Race) to host "Work-It" contest. - People from audience participate a good old fun best body contest.

- Project Runway Alumni Nick Verreos & Andrae Gonzalo & Top Chef 1 Contestant Candice Kumai to host "Project Walkoff" - People from the audience will be competing in an amateur model walk contest.

- Jai Rodriguez will be our first MC.

- Musical/Dance act - Anastacia (CW's Search for the next Pussycat Doll)

- Comedic Act - Alec Mapa

- Raffle tickets being sold all night for products donated by The Chamberlin Hotel, GRUB, SCOUT Vision, Genius Products, BRAVO, UNITE Eurotherapy, and Food and Wine Magazine.

Confirmed Guests: Jai Rodriguez (Queer Eye, Celebrity Duets), Betty Fraser (Top Chef), Andrae Gonzalo (Project Runway 2), Candice Kumai (Top Chef 1), Nick Verreos (Project Runway 2), Leslie Ramsue (Bad Girls Club, Bad Girls Road Trip), JP Calderone (Survior, Janice Dickinson), Davis Mallory (Real World Denver), Alex Ali & Lynn Warner (Amazing Race), Alec Mapa (Desperate Housewives, Half N Half), Johanna Botta (Road Rules/Real World Challenge), Wes Bergmann (Road Rules/ Real Woratld Challenge), Karramo Brown (Real World), Mauricio aka Chamo (I Love New York), Amanda Avila (American Idol 4), Tony Tripoli (Kathy Griffin's Life On The D-List), Anastacia Rose (CW's Search for the next Pussycat Doll), Rebecca Cardon (BRAVO's Workout), Jackie Warner (BRAVO's Workout), Marcellas Reyonlds (Big Brother), Veronica Portillo (Road Rules/Real World Challenge), Damian Pelliccione (Gilmore Girls), Ben Patrick Johnson, Daniel Franco (Project Runway 1&2), Paul McCullough (The Next Food Network TV Star 2), Bunky (Big Brother), and many more. *Invites out to more, waiting on confirmations.

The Trevor Project operates the only nationwide, around-the-clock suicide prevention helpline for gay and questioning youth. Every day, The Trevor Project saves lives though its free and confidential helpline, its website and its educational services.

As with all reality TV tinged things, nothing is ever as promised. So about half of those "stars" never showed up (specificall Jackie Warner of WORK OUT fame, more on that later), and there was no walk off, no best bod contest, and apparently Alec Mapa didn't know he was performing until he got there that day. Classy.

Anastacia from The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll doing "Free Your Mind":




What there WAS though was some pretty great dancers clad only in Andrew Christian underwear (including a guy who was channeling the look of a 70's porn star, another who kept showing me his ass, and the poor single girl who couldn't get a ti pto save her life).

At one point, Matahari and Jase went to tip one of them and she told him that she admired his "pole work". He then told her that he logged a lot of hours on "the pole". I vowed that day to one day dance on a pole...in front of people...just for tips...cos I'm a giver that way.

Nick and Andrae from Project Runway season 2:


There was also us each winning a Project Runway DVD set and us dancing in a cage (sadly not my first time and probably not my last) and also the us getting beads from an oily stripper (only because I wanted his cute Justin Timberlake-esque hat, but he thought I was pointing to his beads so that's what we got instead...it happens)...I liked this particular stripper because we dubbed him "Ken Doll", blond hair and blue eyes and nice, shiny bod...I also enjoyed the fact that he would wear the aforementioned hat with wrokout gloves and a few feet of metal chains...that's a lot of themes to work and he did manage to pull it all together into something of a performance...oh yeah, and he tended to thrust his pelvis in our faces in quite a vertically rhythmic motion...

Speaking of pelvises...the thing to know about Andrew Christian is that they offer a sort of enhancement utility for their underwear users...it's apparently a new sort of "technology" that makes your stuff look, um...stuffed. Who were the scientists in some lab developing this technology is what I want to know. And more importantly, what sort of research grants do you get for this sort of "project". Billed as the next coming, in reality it's just a strap that goes around your balls and penis that buttons up at the top and is connected to the front of your underwear so it pulls it all forward. Having used this new "technology" before, I can say that for their underwear? Not so comfortable... For their swimwear? Not so comfortable...but VERY flattering...


Oh yeah, and I was drinking Long Island Iced Teas all night...and having had 4 and not even getting a buzz, I was starting to get concerned about how high my tolerance had gotten, and more to the point, how much would I have to drink to get completely hammered on Sunday for Pride...more on that to come...

THE 'SITUATION'...

I'm feeling...more focused.
I'm grooving to...Alison Krauss - Baby Mine.
I'm watching tonight: So You Think You Can Dance?/On The Lot (FOX)

So mom and I had a talk on Sunday while I was home in Sugar Land. It was about an hour and a half before I had to leave for the airport and about an hour before Mom had to go to work. It's one of those times when you sensed something bad was going to happen, but I couldn't stop it and I didn't want to stop it.

I knew there was something up the moment that my Mom blanked out the fact that I was coming to Houston for Jase's Niece's wedding...somehow in her head she had twisted it into one of my high school friends getting married...and my Dad seemed to be under the same impression even though I actually never told him why I was coming down...go figure...

I can't really get into the details of the conversation, but basically mom opened with "So what's going on with you and your 'situation' with your 'roommate'?"

Oh geez.

I don't even know how to respond to something like that...first of all, he's not my roommate, and secondly, things are fine...we're very happy.

But that was not what this conversation was about...it was at this point that Dad joined us (although I appreciate him for trying not to ruin my trips at home by beating me down with his bigotry, but way to join in when you sense and opportunity)...

This conversation was not about me being gay (even though it all ties together), this conversation was about guilt and about selfishness and all under the guise of "duty for the family".

You see, Mom wants a grandchild...Dad wants me to continue the family blood line...and none of this can happen in their eyes with me being gay. It's gotten to the point now where they no longer want to harp on my being gay (and how can they really? it's been 5 years since I've been with Jase), so now they are grasping at straws...now the goal is to somehow preserve the next generation...and this involves such statements as such:

"Well how do you expect to have a child? Have you planned anything yet? And how do you plan on raising it?"

Let me make it clear that I would like to one day have a child of my own...but I'm 28 and career-wise I'm not exactly in the most stable place...I still consider myself a kid sometimes...beyond the fact that financially and my time-availability is quite limited...when I have a child, I'd like to try to find a surrogate so I can carry on the blood line (and plus Asian babies are quite adorable), but this won't help my parents any because they don't think raising a child in a gay relationship is normal or right. Somehow, single parents and divorced families are better than two loving people loving a child.

Then came this:

"Don't worry about financially, we'll help you pay. We want to raise this child if you plan on raising it in your 'situation'."

and then this:

"If you won't marry a wife and start a family, gives us a child to raise. Give us your sperm and we'll have a baby and raise it."

Um...no...and WHAT?

The best part was when I insisted that if I was going to have a child that I would want to raise it, and most likely raise it with Jase if we were still together, that I was being selfish. So I called them selfish. It got really bad after that. Dad began saying that I wasn't normal. I flicked him off and called him a fuckin bitch. Mom was aghast at my behavior. Dad and I began yelling at each other. Mom asked us to stop before we killed each other. I screamed that it wouldn't matter since it just seemed like all they wanted was my sperm.

This was the breaking point. I suddenly felt really uncomfortable being there and at home. I felt like an object. That just because I was gay that I no longer mattered and all that mattered was my "blood". I told them that I cared a lot for the family, that I wouldn't come home if I didn't, that I wouldn't be so careful around our relatives on being who I am because I don't want them to feel bad, that I haven't spent 4 years with Jase's family over Christmas because I'm trying to keep the family intact. Mom then thought it was okay to tell me that she sacrificed a lot too...that they didn't disown me and that's a sacrifice.

Honestly? I would have preferred it then dealing with this odd situation. (I can't even get to the argument that then led to mom suggesting I have a child for me to raise and one for them to raise.)

I love my parents and I love my family. The realization this trip that nothing may ever change with us was heartbreaking. There was always a glimmer of hope that things would get better but I was lying to myself. Nothing's going to change and no matter what I do, there's nothing more that can be done to make them feel better about the, as they put it, 'situation'. It hurts to know that they will both go to their graves never being truly happy and that's something that's solely because of me.

Maybe I do have a little shame for being gay because I was raised in my culture and family...I'm just doing the best I can to make everyone happy but the truth of the matter is is that I'm chasing after something that isn't available to me...

Do my parents love me? Yes. Unconditionally? Sure. But at what point do I give it up and really say...take me for who i am or don't at all? I'm not strong enough yet for that...but it's something that I'm going to work on.

To top off all this, I got back into LA and my car battery was dead, causing me to delay calling Mom to tell her I made it in okay, which caused her to get mad at me (sensitive situation you know).

At least at the airport I spotted Robin Antin and Mikey Minden from The Search For The Next Pussycat Doll:


I'm still processing everything, but I thought I'd share...thank you for letting me...